


a lifelong love letter

by forgettheghosts



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Divorce, Getting Together, M/M, Multi, bad metaphors, not long enough to be a slow burn but it has the spirit of one you know what i mean, past touken, very self indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-05-15 23:07:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14799714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgettheghosts/pseuds/forgettheghosts
Summary: When Kaneki and Touka split up, Kaneki takes Hide up on an invitation to visit his new home. Much has gone unsaid between the two over the years, but maybe this will be the new start Kaneki needs.





	1. let the bough break

**Author's Note:**

> And so I attempt another multichapter fic! I don't have a good track record with these, but thankfully I now have people to nag me into finishing it (you know who you are). I am going to aim for biweekly updates, but we shall see.  
> A quick note- this is not a anti!touka fic. I like Touka (or at least I did before Ishida reduced her to a Love Interest.) I think she and Kaneki both deserve better than a relationship formed out of fear and grief, and that is what I am trying to do with this fic.  
> I've been listening to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooiLP_zqnFs) a lot while writing, and it is where the fic and chapter titles are from.  
> And finally: in the immortal words of ff.net: no flames, don't like don't read. constructive criticism is welcome.

Kaneki gazed up at the small house in front of him. It was a western style building (a beach house, Hide had proudly called it. _Like in California, Kaneki!_ ), painted a cheerful eggshell blue. Flowers lined the walkway, and Kaneki could hear the waves crashing on the shore a couple hundred meters behind him.

He began making his way towards the little house. He didn’t know the names of the plants, except for the sunflowers that lined the house itself. Cheerful statues were situated among the plants, and it looked well tended. The air smelled of flowers and sea salt.

Kaneki hadn’t smelled fresh air in a long time.

* * *

 

_Kaneki had been in his office for going on three days._

_“I don’t mind if you stay” Touka had said. “It’s your house too.”_

_“I’ll give you space.” He had replied._

_Their split had been amicable, by any standard. They didn’t hate each other, there were no screaming fights. Just the growing realization that they weren’t, and maybe never had been, in love. The silence between them growing louder each day, until they had finally realized there was no saving whatever they had been. They had agreed that Yukiko’s well being was the most important thing, and that it made sense for her to spend most of her time with Touka, as Touka’s café had far more regular hours then Kaneki’s CCG and Alliance duties. He had insisted she keep the house and the larger portion of assets; if she was going to be caring for Yukiko the most often, he argued, it made sense for her to keep most of their shared funds._

_It wasn’t as though he had nowhere else to go. Coworkers or his old Quinx would have lent him a futon. He could easily have afforded a hotel. But he didn’t want to be with people he knew wouldn’t understand, and he didn’t want to be alone in some beige, impersonal suite._

_When he made the call, it wasn’t because of some profound realization. He had been on his last set of clean clothes and was going back to his car to get more when he passed by the secretary desk of the main floor._

_One of them had a tiny fake sunflower on her desk. Kaneki was reminded of a months old invitation from a friend as bright as that flower._

_When he returned to his office, Kaneki made the call. The other end of the line rang a couple times, then a strained, scratchy voice answered._

_“Kaneki!” No matter how different Hide’s voice was now, there was no mistaking the cheerfulness in it. Nothing seemed to dampen his spirit._

_“Hey, Hide. How have you been?”_

_“Good, good! I’m all settled in here. I sent you some files from the Third Division case, did you get them?” The Third Division was a new group of violent Ghouls that the joint task force (headed by Kaneki and Marude) was tackling. Saiko led one of the sub-division, and Kaneki had given her the case._

_“Yes, thank you. I passed then on the new team.”_

_“New team? You aren’t the lead on the case anymore?”_

_“I’m taking a… leave of absence.” Kaneki replied._

_“What’s wrong? Are you alright? You aren’t sick, are you?” Hide began questioning, concern clear._

_“No, nothing like that. But Touka and I… we’re getting divorced.”_

* * *

 

The white door opened as Kaneki made his way up the path, and a small orange Shiba burst out of the house and shot towards Kaneki, barking.

“Aki! Get back here right now!” Another burst of orange came running out of the house after the dog. “That’s Kaneki, stupid! You know him!”

The dog seemed to contemplate this and stopped its barking. Kaneki offered his hand, which the dog began sniffing and then licking enthusiastically. Before he knew it, Hide had come and wrapped his arms around him in an embrace.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Kaneki.” Hide said.

Kaneki returned the embrace. “So am I.”

Hide pulled back and his eyes crinkled in a smile. With the hot summer weather, he was just wearing a cotton mask. It was decorated with a kaomoji of a little smiling face, which suited him.

(Kaneki liked to think he had gotten better at looking at Hide’s face without wanting to cry.)

“Here, let me take your bags.”

“Ah, it’s fine. I just have the one.” All Kaneki had brought was the clothes and suitcase from his car, his laptop, and his food supplements (one of the most impressive things to come out of the human-ghoul union. It was similar to the fake meat humans ate and was growing in popularity.) He kept a picture of Yukiko in his wallet, and few other personal effects. His books were still in storage back in Tokyo.

Hide narrated their walk back to the house, pointing out different kinds of flowers and the stories behind their planting. Kaneki nodded along- Hide was always talkative, and even more so when he was excited.

“I like the sunflowers.” Kaneki commented.

Hide laughed. “Me too!”

Kaneki shucked off his loafers and pulled on a pair of (what appeared to be Hello Kitty themed) slippers in the front hall, then followed Hide inside.

The inside of the house was a true reflection of Hide’s personality. Bay windows let in sunlight, and tiny plants like the ones Hinami kept (succulents? He thought so) lined the windowsill. It was a small house, with a combined kitchen and dining room, with two plush couches draped with blankets and cushions in front of a TV. There was a dog bed in the corner, but the amount of fur on the couches made it clear where Aki really slept. A bookshelf against one wall was evenly split between manga and CCG files. There were framed photos on the walls; Hide with Amon, Akira and Marude, Hide’s (finally completed) graduation photo, the two of them receiving award from the Prime Minister for their war efforts (which Kaneki maintained was a publicity stunt, though every time he said so Hide told him not to be so cynical). One in particular caught his eye, and he walked over to it.

A young Hide and Kaneki smiled at the camera, Kaneki blushing in embarrassment Hide flashing a peace sign. It had to be from high school, at least.

“I love that picture.” Hide said, coming up behind Kaneki. “We’re so young and cute in it!”

Kaneki smiled and nodded.

“C’mon,” Hide said, turning around “I’ll show you the spare room. I thought you were coming later, so I haven’t finished cleaning yet.”

“That’s fine, really. I’m interrupting your day enough as it is.”

He had only called the night before, and left Tokyo in the morning. Marude had let him go with little fuss other then to grumble about paperwork, which was normal for him.

* * *

 

_“I’ll be out of the city for a few days.” Kaneki said. He was standing in the doorway of their house (just Touka’s house, now). He had come to grab the last of what he considered his. He felt like a stranger; like already his presence in this place was fading._

_She nodded. “Mission?”_

_“No. I’m staying with Hide at his new house in Chigasaki.”_

_Touka paused, her expression indiscernible (not that he had ever really been able to discern her), then nodded. “Okay. You should say goodbye to Yukiko before you go.”_

_“Sure.” Kaneki moved past her and walked up the stairs. Yukiko’s room was the first one in the hallway, and the door was open a crack, letting the soft pink of her nightlight shine out. He opened the door slowly and went inside._

_Whatever other mistakes had been made in their marriage, Kaneki loved his daughter. He had never considered having children before, and if it wasn’t for his and Touka’s bad choices then she never would have been born. She was the one good thing that had emerged from all his mistakes._

_She was asleep, curled up under a comforter decorated with pink cats. Her black hair was splayed out on the pillow case, and her face was peaceful in sleep. He was reluctant to wake her, but he knew that if he didn’t then he would be receiving an upset phone call tomorrow._

_“Yuki-chan.” He called gently shaking her shoulder. She blinked awake._

_“Daddy?”_

_He smiled. “Hi, Baby. I’m just saying goodbye before I go away.”_

_She nodded sleepily. “’K. Bye, Daddy. Love you.”_

_“I love you too, sweetheart.” He said, kissing her cheek._

_He closed the door and went back downstairs._

_“Let me know when you hear from the lawyer’s office. I’ll be checking my email.”_

_Touka nodded. “Sure. Take care, Kaneki.”_

_“You too.”_

_Kaneki started down the walk, only looking back once at what used to be his home._

* * *

 

“It’s pretty small, but I hope you like it.” Hide said, leading Kaneki into the house’s second bedroom and office. There was a double bed in front of a window facing the back garden, and what looked like a very hastily cleared desk, papers sticking out of drawers and filing cabinets.

“I feel like I’m putting you out here,” Kaneki said. “I don’t want to interrupt your schedule.”

Hide waved his hand in a motion of dismissal. “No worries, man. I stare at CCG files all the time, I can afford to put them away for a little. And there’s a whole rest of the house. I just got used to being in here. But I’d rather have you around then a bunch of files.”

Kaneki chuckled. “Alright, if you say so.”

“I do.” Hide clapped a hand on his shoulder. “I have to run some errands, want to come? I can show you around town, if you want.”

“Sure, sounds good.”

Hide’s eyes crinkled. “Great! Oh right, that reminds me- I have a surprise! Wait right here.” Hide dashed out of the room and Kaneki could hear him go further down the hall. A few minutes later he came back.

“Tada!”

Kaneki started- Hide’s face was…back?

“They’re special prosthetics! Pretty cool, huh? It’s latex painted to match my skin. They’re too awkward to wear all the time, but they’re great for going out in, so I’m not some creepy mask guy.”

Looking closer, Kaneki could see where the fake skin sat on the real parts, but he figured to a medium-distance human eye it would look identical.

“Marude has a friend from university who does prosthetics in Australia, and he made them for me. There’s just little magnets in the bone, and it sticks right on! How do I look?”

Kaneki swallowed, and took a breath. Then he smiled; “You look great, Hide.”

“Don’t I? I’m telling you, it’s a good thing you’re here now, because I’ll have girls hanging off me any day now.”

Kaneki snorted. “Yeah, because we all know that’s your dream life.”

Hide laughed loudly. “C’mon, let’s go.”

* * *

 

Unsurprisingly, Hide seemed to be friends with many of his neighbors. The neighborhood on the outskirts of Chigasaki was quiet, but still lively. High schoolers walked home in groups and grocery stores sold fruit and vegetables on the sidewalk. Several people stopped to pet Aki, who seemed to enjoy all the attention. At least two old ladies stopped Hide to talk to him, and Kaneki ended up being introduced to all of them.

“This is Kaneki! We’ve been best friends since we were kids.”

If anyone recognized him from TV appearances, no one said anything. Young mothers, high schoolers, and businessmen all waved at Hide. He seemed to override any sort of social awkwardness and tap into the cheerful side of everyone he met. He couldn’t exactly smile properly even with the prosthetics, but his general upbeat personality shone through.

Hide’s last stop was in a convenience store, apparently for miso soup and instant coffee. When they reached the counter, the bored looking teenage boy behind the counter immediately perked up.

“Nagachika-san! How are you?” The boy asked.

“I’m great, Hotaru. You?” Kaneki didn’t need enhanced senses to see the blush that spread across the boy’s cheeks at being addressed.

“I- I’m good, yeah!” He stammered. Kaneki held back a smirk. Hide continued to make small talk as he paid for his goods, waving to the boy as he left. When they stepped back outside, Kaneki spoke;

“So, was that a necessary stop, or an ego boost?”

Hide laughed. “I know, I know. It’s cute, huh? He’s a nice kid. Besides, it’s nice to know I’m not too old for teenagers to check out!”

Kaneki snorted. “Hide, you’re not even 30 yet.”

“Still!”

The sun was beginning to set as they walked back up to the house.

“I need to put these groceries away, but do you want to go down to the water after? It’s way nicer then Tokyo Bay.” Hide asked.

“Sure.”

* * *

 

When they got back to the house Hide put away his food and Aki lapped up water from his dish. Hide went upstairs and returned wearing his mask again. They then went back outside and began walking along the beach towards the ocean, Aki darting ahead and jumping into the sea.

The sun was reflecting off the ocean, saturating the air with gentle golden light. The water was calm, waves gently lapping at the shore.

“Hey, Kaneki?” Hide asked.

“Hm?”

“Why are you and Touka breaking up?”

Kaneki didn’t answer for a moment. That was a layered question with a even more difficult answer. “We just… aren’t in love anymore. We both thought it was best to end it before things got out of hand. We don’t want Yukiko caught in the middle.”

Hide nodded. “Will she be staying with both of you?”

“Touka, mostly. My hours are too irregular. I’ll still see her often, though.”

Hide nodded. “That’s good, then.”

They continued along the beach. Occasionally Aki would come running up to them with a piece of driftwood, which Hide would obligingly throw.

“You like it here?” Kaneki asked. “I mean, you’re happy?”

“It’s nice. The people are friendly. The quiet is a good change of pace for me. And it’s not too long a train ride to Tokyo, so I can come in to consult in person when Amon needs me, but I can do almost all of it over the phone. Besides, Aki likes the extra room to run around.”

“I’m glad.” Kaneki replied, and dutifully pretended not to notice that Hide hadn’t answered the second part of his question.

Upon returning to the house, Hide began preparing himself dinner. Crab croquettes and miso soup made up the menu.

“I have some synthetic in the freezer if you’re hungry.” He informed Kaneki. Trust Hide to keep a supply of Ghoul food in his house, just in case the need for it arose.

“I’m fine, I ate before I left.”

Even thought he wasn’t eating, Kaneki joined Hide at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee.

“Hey, you probably have files and stuff to go over, right?” Hide asked.

“Nothing too important. I’m technically using my vacation days at the moment, so I’m not on any cases.” Kaneki replied.

“I don’t mind, I’m fine here.”

Kaneki raised an eyebrow. “If you want alone time, just let me know.”

“No, it’s just- I need to take my mask off to eat, so…”

Kaneki swallowed. “I don’t mind. But if you’d rather I left, I will.”

“No, if- if you’re ok with it.” Hide said, not making eye contact.

“Hide, of course I am. There’s nothing about you I wouldn’t be ok with.” Kaneki replied.

Hide laughed breathily. “Right.” He removed the mask.

The scar tissue had become less red over time, losing some of the swollen shine. He knew he had opted out of any reconstructive surgery, saying he didn’t want to go though all that when the risk of infection was so high. Kaneki had hung up quickly after that conversation and tried to get through the rest of the day without hyperventilating or bursting into tears.

Not he didn’t still want to break down when he thought about what he had done. He wasn’t in his right mind, but it had still been his hands, his teeth that injured Hide so badly. He had caused Hide a permanent impediment and a life of living with scars that would never heal.

But if Hide could live with those scars every day, Kaneki would be damned if he couldn’t stomach all the pain and grief he felt.

He could also pretend that the twisting in his stomach was solely guilt and nothing else when he looked into Hide’s eyes.


	2. let the sun fade out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Have a update.   
> It probably goes without saying that I am ignoring the canon ending. But just so you know.   
> Enjoy!

Hide had gotten past the awkward days of not being able to eat very well, and with the new latex pieces in his cheeks food didn’t fall out anymore, which was nice. But he still felt a little anxious showing Kaneki his face. Despite the fact that the other man knew it almost as well as he did, having been the _cause_ of it (and damn if that hadn’t made the whole “guess what I married Touka” thing sting just that much more), he was embarrassed at his features.

Kaneki didn’t bear any physical scars from what had happened to him. Hide knew that mentally he was practically patchwork, but he looked as young as he had before everything had started (aside from the hair, of course).

Hide always pretended not to notice the brief pained expression in Kaneki’s eyes whenever he saw his scars. He appreciated that Kaneki tried to hide it, at least.

He had gotten to a point where he had accepted the scars as part of who he was. He wasn’t ashamed of them, though he didn’t exactly want to show them off. It was easier to go about his daily life without the staring, children asking questions he didn’t know how to answer.

“I let my best fried eat my face off because I was in love with him and didn’t want him to die in battle or turn into an insect hybrid” wasn’t exactly a child friendly explanation.

He didn’t regret it. He couldn’t, especially not when Kaneki was sitting right across from him, low evening light hitting his face and illuminating his delicate features.

Even now, he didn’t look like someone with the blood of dozens of humans and ghouls on his hands. He still dressed like a middle-aged school teacher, and he had the same soft grey eyes that Hide had gotten lost in all those years ago, when he had realized what being in love meant and understood that this was it, for him. He wasn’t going to fall in love with anyone else.

His therapist said that he had a tendency to hyper fixate. Fair enough, he supposed.

Those eyes, for all their latent kindness, bore a heavier weight then they used to. Hide may have worn his scars physically, but he knew that Kaneki carried them emotionally. He wasn’t sure what was worse, really. At least he could make it clear to the world what he had lost- most of a face, which was enough without him having to explain the emotional impact. Most people probably saw Kaneki as cold and aloof, not seeing the depth of the pain behind his eyes and cool, collected exterior.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by Kaneki’s phone ringing, a generic pre-programmed ringtone suddenly blaring from the tinny speaker. Kaneki pulled his phone out of his pocket and glanced at the screen.

“It’ll be Yukiko. She gets upset if I don’t wish her goodnight. “Do you mind if I sit on the porch?”

Hide shook his head. “Of course not. Say hi to her for me and Aki.”

Kaneki nodded gratefully, and stepped out onto the porch, closing the door behind him.

Hide looked down at his mostly finished meal, and found he was no longer hungry. He got up and walked into the kitchen. He cleared his plate and started doing the dishes left from cooking. While he washed and dried, he allowed his mind to wander.

Kaneki and Touka were breaking up.

Part of him felt bad. It was going to be rough on Yukiko, but at least they seemed dedicated to her wellbeing. Not that he wouldn’t have knocked (that is, had Amon knock) some sense into Kaneki if he had suspected that was anything but the case, but still. The larger part of him, the part that had been watching Kaneki and carving out a hole the shape of him in his heart for years, was happy.

When he had found out about the marriage, he had felt his heart cracking in his chest. At least when Kaneki had become Haise, or the Reaper, Hide had known (even despite the taunts of the Washuu lackeys) that he was still there. That Hide would be able to reach him, to tell him everything he hadn’t been able to in the sewers that night. He would emerge triumphant, free from his captors and back into Kaneki’s life.

Somehow, he had thought Kaneki would wait for him.

He didn’t blame him, of course. He hadn’t remembered what had happened in the sewers, and once he did he thought Hide was dead. It was a reasonable assumption, and by all rights he should have died that night, and again when infection raged in his system from his wounds making contact with the sewer water, and again when he ran from the Washuus, and again, again, again.

And what was Kaneki supposed to wait for, anyway? Hide had had years to tell him how he felt and hadn’t. he had been too afraid of losing him. He remembered feeling the irony in that like a knife to the heart when he learned about the marriage.

He had lost him anyway. He could still feel the pain from that day; it had been as thought his heart really was breaking in two. He had thought he knew what heartbreak was, before that. But he learned what it really meant that day.

With a sigh, he shut off the sink and left the dishes to dry on the rack. All that was in the past now. Years had gone by, and there was no point in fixating on what couldn’t be changed (at least, that was what he told himself.) Learning to live with a broken heart was a skill he had acquired long ago.

It was then that Kaneki stepped back inside, phone clutched in his hand.

“Everything good?” Hide asked.

Kaneki nodded. “There was some kindergarten drama I needed to hear about. Apparently Tomoya stole her apple slices and is ‘the biggest meanie ever.’”

“Sounds like a fight.”

“I like to think she gets it from her mother.”

Hide laughed. “Sure thing, your Highness.”

“Fair enough.” Kaneki smiled.

In truth, Hide had only met Yukiko a handful of times. He had never spent much time with Kaneki’s family when he was still in Tokyo after the war, and they had never visited him. What would he have said to Touka? She wasn’t oblivious like Kaneki, she had known right away how Hide felt about her husband.

Her now ex-husband.

“I think I’m going to head to bed.” Kaneki said. “You mind?”

Hide gestured vaguely. “’Course not. Sleep well.”

Kaneki made his way upstairs. Hide sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to get to sleep in the near future. He resigned himself to the couch, Aki curled at his feet while he browsed articles on his tablet.

Maybe, he thought, he would get to the end of Kaneki’s visit with his heart in the same number of pieces as when Kaneki arrived.

* * *

 

Hide started awake in the middle of the night with a gasp, awoken by the sound of something on the second floor crashing to the ground. With a bark Aki ran upstairs and Hide followed. He saw her dart into the guest bedroom, and when he followed her in she had climbed into the lap of a gasping Kaneki, licking his face intently. Hide looked around the room and saw one of the bedside lamps shattered on the floor, explaining the crash he had heard.

Kaneki was curled into himself on the bed, his breath coming in heavy gasps and his eyes wide and unseeing. He didn’t seem to notice Aki on him or Hide entering the room.

“Kaneki?” Hide started quietly. He gingerly made his way forward and sat on the edge of the bed. “Hey, you okay?”

Kaneki’s eyes refocused as he took in his surroundings.

“Hide?” He asked, voice soft and hoarse.

“Yeah, buddy. It’s me. Did you have a nightmare?”

Kaneki swallowed and didn’t answer, which Hide supposed was an answer in itself.

It had been a long time since he had seen Kaneki so distraught. Usually he maintained his calm, collected persona, even around Hide. He had never been one to let others see his emotions (if he had, things probably would have gone better for everyone). Hide wasn’t surprised he had nightmares; it would have been stranger if he didn’t, in fact. Hide was no stranger to nightmares himself.

“Do you want me to stay here?” He asked. Kaneki had always been more tactile then he let on. Hide had often pulled him into hugs when they were younger, only stopping because Kaneki was so worried about what other people thought.

“If it’s not too much trouble…” Kaneki replied.

“Of course not,” he said, “there’s room for both of us. I had to get a big bed for this room, since Amon visits sometimes.”

He walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in. He wasn’t wearing a mask, but Kaneki didn’t seem to notice.

“C’mere.” Hide said. “It’ll be a sleepover, like when we were kids. You’d always crawl into bed with me after scary movies.”

Kaneki laughed breathily. “You would tease me for getting scared during Godzilla.”

“Well yeah, dude, it’s a clay dinosaur.”

“It was scary when I was little.”

“We were, like, 12. Not little enough justify that.” Hide laughed.

Settling in next to Kaneki, Hide felt a warmth grow in his chest as the other man leaned against him slightly. He was still trembling a little, aftershocks from whatever terror had invaded his dreams. They remained silent for a moment, before Kaneki spoke in a rasping voice.

“Hide?”

“Hm?”

“Why don’t you hate me?”

Hide pulled back and looked at Kaneki. “You were dreaming about the sewers?”

Kaneki’s shoulders drew in. “You should hate me. You shouldn’t want me in your life, let alone in your home. I don’t understand why you don’t hate me!” Kaneki spoke, voice growing louder and more ragged as he spoke. A concerned Aki nudged at him with her nose.

Hide sighed and wrapped an arm around Kaneki’s shoulder.

“Kaneki, I couldn’t hate you if I wanted to.”

Kaneki looked at Hide, tears brimming in his eyes. “I don’t deserve your friendship. I never have.”

Hide took Kaneki’s hand. “Maybe not, but I’m here. And I’m never going to stop caring about you.” He slowly pulled Kaneki into his chest.

The three words he had been desperate to say for so many years sat on the tip of his tongue. It would be so easy, he thought, to just say them now. Just let out the feelings he had held inside for so long.

Instead he just rubbed small circle in Kaneki back, closing his eyes and pretending that this could be more than it was, until they both fell asleep.

* * *

 

Kaneki awoke the next morning to the sun on his face and a warm body pressed into his back. He blinked awake and took in his surroundings.

Right. He was at Hide’s house. He’d woken up to a nightmare, and Aki had come in, and….

He had embarrassed himself and Hide was spooning him.

That wasn’t as surprising as it probably should have been, truth be told. In fact, it was almost nostalgic. Into the beginning of high school they had shared a bed during sleepovers, Kaneki staying sometimes two nights in a row at Hide’s fathers’s home. They would cuddle under the blankets, Kaneki savoring every moment of warm human contact. Those nights, Hide’s presence, had been one of the only things that held Kaneki’s crushing loneliness at bay.

“Morning sleepyhead.” He heard Hide’s voice, heavy with sleep.

Kaneki turned onto his other side and looked into Hide’s eyes. “Hey.”

“Get some sleep?”

Kaneki nodded. “Thank you.”

Hide’s cheek twitched in what Kaneki knew to be a smile.

“I was just thinking that this is like when we were kids.” Kaneki said.

“It’s true. We’d sleep in so late that my dads joked they thought we were comatose.”

Kaneki laughed softly. “How are they?”

“Good. In Nepal at the moment, some kind of… soul searching thing? Or just a mid life crisis.”

“Hotaru was always big on that.”

“That’s true. Remember the tea ceremony phase?”

“You mean when he turned your back room into a ceremony room, used it twice and then wouldn’t let anyone in for 6 months?”

Hide laughed. “That’s the one.”

The subject of Hide’s adoptive fathers was a sore one. While Kaneki knew that Hide loved them, and they loved him in turn, they had never seen eye to eye. For all the couple’s eccentricities, they had been dead set on Hide being a model citizen, which was what let him to enroll in pharmacology, a field he had no interest in.

“I need breakfast. Want me to make coffee for you?” Hide asked.

Kaneki nodded, and Hide got up and walked out of the room, Aki trotting at his heels. The sight of Hide getting up out of a bed they had just shared, for the first time in years, filled Kaneki’s heart with a kind of warmth he hadn’t felt in years.

It was a sight, he thought, he could look at the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like some pining to end a chapter.


	3. time doesn't heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beep boop, its an update. Been very busy with real life, as always. But here's a angsty chapter. New Marianas Trench song (I knew you When) got me in a HK mood.

When Hide woke up next to Kaneki for the first time in years, he didn’t know what to feel.

He was finished with false hope. Dreams and ideals had carried him far, but he had let them go along with the younger man he had been. He had resigned himself to living with his love for Kaneki festering in the back of his heart like an open wound.

In the past few years with lessened contact, he had missed Kaneki terribly. But being away from him also made it easier to avoid thinking about everything he would never have.

It had been foolish of him to think that there was any way around his feelings. When Kaneki had asked to stay for a few days, some part of Hide had known that he would have to reckon with his emotions. He just hadn’t expected that to involve sharing a bed. But what else could he have done? Turned his back on Kaneki while he was crying and afraid?

That had never been an option.

Now Hide stood in his kitchen, wearing his clothes from the previous day, watching the water boil for coffee. Having some kind of crisis.

_Get your gay ass in gear, Nagachika,_ his internal voice reprimanded him (a voice which sounded disturbingly like Marude, but he decided that was another issue for later).

“Want me to pull out the old barista routine?” Kaneki spoke from the doorway.

Hide looked up to see Kaneki leaning on the doorframe. “Depends, did you bring the uniform? Because if so, yes.”

Kaneki laughed, and Hide felt his face grow warm.

“Unfortunately not. But if you have an apron around I could be convinced to put it on.”

It was, Hide decided, too early in the morning to be picturing Kaneki in cute outfits. “Just make the coffee. It’s my job to make sarcastic comments first thing in the morning.”

With another laugh, Kaneki moved to the counter and began preparing the coffee.

_You could have had this,_ Hide thought to himself. _If you hadn’t been such a coward, you could have had this every day. If not with him, then with someone. You wouldn’t be alone._

He silently chastised himself. While objectively accurate, Dr. Fukawa had informed him that fixating on past mistakes “wasn’t conducive to recovery.” Or something.

The thought of his therapist made him think of Kaneki’s nightmare the previous night, and he decided to broach a subject Kaneki had never excelled at discussing: emotion.

“Hey, Kaneki?”

“Hm?”

“Have you ever thought about talking to someone about what you went through? Like, a professional someone?”

Kaneki stilled momentarily. “It’s not exactly something I can discuss with the general public.”

“Well yeah, of course. But there are mental health professionals that are sympathetic to Ghouls. Hell, there are Ghoul psychiatrists; I mean, talk about a population with high levels of PTSD. You’d hardly be the first.”

Kaneki gave him an odd look. “How do you know all this?”

“Kaneki, I didn’t keep myself together all these years through hard work alone. I started talking to someone- my therapist is married to a Ghoul. She lived pretty under the radar until the war, and then she started volunteering as aid worker after the war. I’ve been seeing her for a year.”

The counter creaked as Kaneki pressed his fingers into it. “You wouldn’t need to be ‘keeping yourself together’ if it wasn’t for me. I don’t deserve _understanding,_ Hide. I don’t deserve anyone’s help. Not yours, and not some doctor.”

Hide felt anger beginning to boil. He didn’t get mad easily- he liked to think he was generally a pretty easy-going guy. But he wasn’t putting up with Kaneki’s pity party; those days were long past.

“For fuck’s sake, it’s not about _deserving_ anything. There’s no measuring stick for deciding who’s worthy of being helped!”

“I think it’s pretty obvious, actually.” Kaneki snapped. “Good people deserve it, bad people don’t. Stop pretending you don’t know which I am. Look who what I am, Hide. Look what a did to you! No one who could do something like that deserves anyone’s sympathy.”

Hide slammed his fist on the counter, his voice raising enough that he struggled to use his prosthetic. “Don’t you use me as an excuse, Kaneki. Don’t you dare. Look at what you did?” Hide gestured to himself. “I see it everyday! I live with it! I know how ugly I am, and I know what people think of me! But it wasn’t your choice alone, Kaneki. I made my choices, too. You don’t get to take that away from me just because you don’t want to admit that you’re too afraid of your own feelings to _do_ anything about them!”

“Maybe you’ve forgotten, but ‘doing something’ about my feelings is what got us into this mess in the first place!”

Hide threw his hands up. “Of course, how could I forget? Kaneki the martyr! Nothing bad ever would have happened if it weren’t for you. The future of Ghouls is entirely in your hands! No one else ever did anything. Is that right?”

Kaneki flinched back. “I don’t think that. You know I don’t.”

Hide shook his head. “No, I don’t know. I don’t know anything, because you won’t talk to me. You haven’t talked to me in years! Was I never good enough at all, or did you just lose interest as soon as Touka looked your way?”

_Shit._ Hide bit his tongue. He had vowed a long time ago he was never going to bring up Touka in an argument. It was childish, and it made him feel pathetic.

He moved away from the counter. “I’m taking Aki out.”

“Hide, wait- “

Hide didn’t stay in the house to listen to what Kaneki said next. He just called Aki and began walking towards the sea.

The farther he walked from the house the more his anger began to cool inside him. He knew that his words to Kaneki had been harsh, but that didn’t mean they weren’t true. He _knew_ Kaneki felt guilty. He had always known it, and he understood why. But he wasn’t going to let Kaneki’s guilt overshadow the fact that he had made his own choices. Painful choices, but ones that he still felt were right.

He would offer himself to Kaneki’s hunger again in a heartbeat, consequences be damned. Living with pain and scars was better than living without Kaneki at all. He had tried that, and he had no intention of trying it again. Even if they were apart, the thought of Kaneki out in the world, alive, was crucial to Hide.

He did regret bringing up Touka, however.

He had tried so har not to feel bitter over Kaneki and Touka’s relationship over the years. He had spent so much time and effort trying to move on, or at least learn how to live with his one-sided love. He had thought he had made progress, but one emotionally fraught argument and he was bringing it up like a scorned kid.

When he reached the water he sat down just above the shoreline. He couldn’t help but wonder if it had been a mistake, inviting Kaneki to his home. If maybe it wouldn have been better to continue keeping his old and news lives separate. In the three years since the war Hide had managed to keep Kaneki at the back of his mind. They saw each other on occasion and spoke on the phone at least once a month. But it had all been distant enough that Hide had been able to keep his emotions at bay. Now, after barely a day together, everything was bubbling up to the surface.

He was still hopelessly, desperately in love with Kaneki Ken.

* * *

 

Kaneki blinked in shock as Hide stormed out of the house. There were very few times he had seen Hide genuinely angry. In fact, he didn’t think he had ever seen him _that_ angry. So upset he had struggled to speak.

( _Something else that’s your fault,_ a voice in his head supplied.)

Kaneki knew he was a mess. He was acutely aware that he was a patchwork memory of a person, not a human and not a Ghoul and no good and being either. But most of what had happened to him he had brought on himself. No one had asked him to get involved; no one had asked him to help wage a war. He had chosen to become a kakuja, chosen to hurt Hide, chosen to be a sub-par leader and husband.

Touka had said to him once, when they had both realized their marriage had fallen apart, that he needed start being honest.

_I’ve never lied to you in my life,_ he had replied.

_Not with me,_ she had said. _Be honest with yourself._

Kaneki wasn’t stupid, and he wasn’t blind. He had figured out how Hide felt about him; realized it in a crushing blow on that night when Sasaki died and Kaneki returned, suddenly understanding exactly what it was he had lost that night in the sewers.

Kaneki wasn’t stupid, and he knew exactly what he deserved. And it wasn’t Hide. How he felt didn’t matter, because in the end he didn’t deserve the same happiness Hide did. That was just a fact; it wasn’t self pity, he wasn’t trying to make anyone feel sorry for him. In the end, how he felt didn’t matter, so he didn’t think about it.

How much he loved Hide didn’t matter, because Hide deserved so much better.

It had been a mistake to come to Hide’s house. He had thought that maybe things could be like they were all those years ago, even just for a little while. But there was no going back; he should have known that better than anyone.

With a sigh he left the kitchen and went back to the guest bedroom. Thankfully he hadn’t unpacked. He just took his toiletries from the bathroom and returned them to his suitcase. He made the bed, moving quickly so he could ignore how the sheets were still warm from his and Hide’ bodies laying underneath them. With one glance back at the room he returned downstairs, Hide’s voice still ringing in his ears.

_I know how ugly I am!_

He ran a hand down his face; it would be better for Hide if he left. He wasn’t doing any good here. He moved swiftly through the cheery little house so that he wouldn’t stop and let himself sit down on the overstuffed couch, wrap himself in the warmth and light that Hide’s home carried like its owner. The gravel path crunched under his feet as he went to his car, opening his trunk and placing his bag inside.

He heard Hide approach behind him, and steeled himself.

“Were you even going to say goodbye?” Hide asked, voice carefully calm.

“I thought it would be best if I left.”

“Best for who?”

“I’m not doing you any good here, Hide.”

“I think I can be the judge of that.” Hide snapped; then, calmer, “Why don’t you ever say goodbye?”

Kaneki took a shuddering breath and turned around. Hide was mask free, staring Kaneki down.

“Another reason I should leave.”

Hide’s face moved in what looked like a frown. “Is it because of what I said? Because it was all true.”

“I know you believe it’s true.”

Hide nodded. “Then is it because of last night?”

Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut, chest aching at the words. “I just think it’s for the best if I go.”

“Yeah, you said that already.”

Kaneki turned back around top his car and opened the door.

“Just tell me one thing,” Hide said. “Why are you and Touka really getting divorced?”

Kaneki looked up; the sky was a brilliant blue, bathing the tiny house and the beach in sunlight.

“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything.” He replied, and got into the car.

Kaneki drove away from Hide, his figure growing smaller in the rearview mirror until finally Kaneki turned a corner and he disappeared entirely.

Twenty minutes away from Hide’s sunny little house, Kaneki pulled over to the side of the road. He pressed his palms to his face an allowed himself to weep.

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me about hide on [tumblr](http://mageswolf.tumblr.com/)


End file.
